VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
God has abandoned us.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.