[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!