If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
From Facebook just now…
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.