Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
You Might Also Like
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.