Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.