Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner