Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
bought wrong eggs
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.