I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]