[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
You Might Also Like
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂