Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My god she’s good.