I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
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Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me when my alarm goes off
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
This kinda thing happens to me often
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.