All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
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#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
HR said no more nunchucks.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.