Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule