The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit