Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Cats are still liquid.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.