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Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account