Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”