My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.