If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
You Might Also Like
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My safe word is Worcestershire
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation