Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Can’t. Being lazy.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
asked my bf how work was today
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
the noise i just made
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.