“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?