Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.