I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
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Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!