“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop