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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Perfect.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.