i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Happy weekend !
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
A fake ID that makes you younger
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!