Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Great acting.. 😂
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg