My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
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me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My favorite farside!!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.