Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I can’t deal with men any longer
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are