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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Are you ok, human???
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.