If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.