Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
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People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
eggs benadryl
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.