I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is