Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣