alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You sure about that?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.