Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next