A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
A classic…
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!