the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
You Might Also Like
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
every college guy’s fridge
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror: