Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Doggies just call it style.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.