You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Love this guy
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Incredible customer service.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.