I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?