If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.