When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Something Saturday.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
? 💀
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil