We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ