If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…