When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I just stopped by to water my horse.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO