listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio