I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Damn what did I do next
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
not seeing the problem
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you