[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Guilty! 🤪
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.