Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t